How Understanding Brain Science Can Help You Parent

With the recent transition back to school, I have been reflecting on the most important, foundational ideas we need to remember during times of stress and chaos. The idea of “connect before correct” is on the top of this list. However, in order to really understand why we need to connect with our kids when they are upset, rather than lecture, yell, or send them to their rooms, we need to understand a little bit about the way our kids’ (and our own) brains work.

When we feel scared, ashamed, anxious, or threatened, we move into flight or fight mode as a defense mechanism. Our thinking brain shuts off and with it we lose our ability to think rationally, empathize, and problem solve. Without the use of our thinking brain (the wise owl), we are left with only our reptilian brain (the barking guard dog) to rely on, and let me tell you, unless we need to run from a tiger, that part of the brain is unreliable!

I love the image below because it utilizes the hand to help us visualize when we lose access to the thinking brain. Our lid gets flipped and we are left with an exposed feeling brain that can do little more than defend, react, fight, or flee.

So, when our kids spill their milk, punch their sibling, or get a poor grade on a test, it is highly likely they are flipped in that moment and therefore unable to listen to your logical lecture, learn from their mistake, or problem solve.

So what do you do? How do you help them to reengage their thinking brain? CONNECT. Take a few moments to get down on your child’s level, empathize, validate, and help them feel safe. Only after their thinking brain has come back online will they be able to be open to your teaching.

Next month we’ll dive more into what it looks like to “connect before correct” and how this one practice can greatly strengthen your relationship with your kids.

I will also be posting more frequently on my blog so be sure to check out my website from time to time.

Stay tuned and please reach out with any thoughts or questions.

Sending lots of empathy and validation your way,

Morgan