Connect Before Correct In Action
Last month we talked about why understanding your child’s (and your own) brain chemistry is crucial to your relationship. To quickly recap: if you try to correct your child’s behavior while they are escalated (angry, sad, anxious, etc.) you will hit a brick wall. In that moment your child’s brain has been hijacked by emotion and they literally cannot process what you are saying. Because they are in self-protection mode (fight, flight, or freeze) they may become defensive, argumentative, or unresponsive. These are not the qualities you are looking for in a person you are trying to teach. Imagine if you had just had a terrible day at work, sat in traffic on the way home, and then spilled a drink all over your new leather bag as you got out of the car. Then, the moment you walk into the house your partner decides to tell you all about how you have been loading the dishwasher completely wrong and tries to teach you the “right” way. Would you be open to their feedback? Or would you have a few choice words for them…
I digress. Let’s spend some time digging into what it looks like in real life to connect before correct with your kids:
Child: “I don’t want to go to swimming!!! I’m not going!”
You:
Option 1: “Oh yes you are going! We spent good money on these lessons and you made a commitment. Your coach will be disappointed if you don’t go. Get in the car NOW!”
Option 2: “I get it. It’s been a long day and you might be feeling tired or even worried about practice. I used to feel that way a lot when I was on the swim team. Let’s talk about ways that we can make practice feel better today.”
OR…
Child: hits sibling
You:
Option 1: “What are you thinking? We don’t hit in this house. Say you’re sorry and go to your room!”
Option 2: Get down below eye level, kindly touching the hitter’s shoulder: “You must be really mad to react by hitting. Let’s all calm down together. I am here. You are safe.”
Ok, I think I have an idea of what you might be thinking: “That is way too permissive! You are suggesting I let my kid get away with inappropriate behavior! They will never learn right from wrong if I react that way!” I get it. I hear you. This type of parenting practice can seem dubious because it is so wildly different from how many of us were parented. But, stay with me as I explain… When our kids are escalated and we correct them with a lecture, punishment, threat, or harsh judgment, one of two things will happen:
Your kid decides that you are mean. Their shame goes up, their vulnerability goes down, they become defensive and all they consider is how mean their mom or dad is. Connection is broken. Your kid no longer feels safe in the relationship. It is now you against them. Not only are they are not thinking about what they did wrong and how to better their behavior, they are also less likely to come to you with their deep feelings, mistakes, and worries in the future.
Your kid decides they are bad. Shame, shame, shame. “I can’t do anything right. I am a bad kid. I always make my parents mad. I need to do a better job of hiding my feelings in order to please my parents and maintain my connection with them.”
These patterns of thinking, deciding, and behaving have lasting implications into adolescence. Do you want your teenager who is constantly confronted with alcohol, drugs, sex, and thrill-seeking activities to feel safe in coming to you with all their questions, worries, and even mistakes? Do you want them to learn that these things are shameful and should remain hidden? Do you want them to consider you an ally or an enemy?
On the flip side, when we go with option 2 in each scenario, we are building the relationship. We are empathizing with and validating our child’s experience so that they not only feel safe being vulnerable with us but also feel safe with their own feelings. And, we are NOT being permissive. We want to teach our kids that all feelings are ok, but all behaviors are not. You’ll notice in the swimming example I’m not suggesting that you skip practice. All you’re doing is helping your child feel supported within their reality that they don’t feel like going. In the second scenario, you are recognizing that big, important feelings are happening that caused your child to haul off and hit their sibling. These emotional boo boos are just as important for you to attend to as the physical ones inflicted on your other child. After everyone is calm and ready to learn, that is when you will make sure to have a conversation about how hitting is not the way to show one’s emotions and problem solve replacement behaviors that your child can use when they feel bad again (because they will).
Ok, that’s all for this time. Try some of these strategies with your own kids and let me know what you think.
Sending empathy and validation your way (while holding firm boundaries),
Morgan