TEMPERAMENT SERIES PART 1: PERSISTENCE
Welcome to the first of several posts about temperament! I am so excited to dig into this topic with you because gaining an understanding of your child’s unique temperament is going to help you significantly with parenting.
What exactly is temperament? Temperament can be defined as how one’s nature affects their behavior. Understanding that we are all born with different, innate temperament traits is crucial. Why? Because we often believe we can “change” our children. That if we only yell louder, punisher harder, or show our disappointment more we can will our kids into being something different from who they are. However, the more we try to change our kids into something they’re not, the more we end up in an endless cycle of friction-shame-blame-friction. The goal here is not to change your child, but to understand who they are and to help guide them to be the best possible version of themselves. By seeing, really seeing your child at this deep level you offer the most meaningful validation there is.
There are nine temperament traits but today we’re going to focus on persistence. This temperament trait can be one of the hardest to parent but is also a key predictor in long-term success. If we can learn to work with our persistent children we can move from a place of constant arguing to one of harmony and success. I hold persistent kiddos near and dear to my heart because my 9 year old just may be the most persistent person on the planet! Gaining an understanding of this part of him and learning a few tips and tricks for how to work with him have helped our household immensely.
How do you know if you have a persistent child? If any of the following sound familiar, you likely are dealing with some degree of persistence:
Sticks to their guns, doesn’t easily let go of an idea or activity
Can cry for hours
Never takes no for an answer
Interprets “maybe” and '“we’ll see” as “yes!”
If you are like us and have a persistent child at home, I see you. I see your daily power struggles. I see your exhaustion. I see your “Can’t you please just cooperate? For once??” And although this temperament trait can be incredibly difficult to work with, persistent kids have so much potential for greatness. The following strategies will help you turn challenge into success and bring down the temperature in your family:
Lean into yes - With persistent kids you’ll want to pick your battles. When you can say yes, do. If what your child is demanding isn’t possible in that particular moment but is possible, then use the conditional yes. “Can I have ice cream?” “Yes! We can get ice cream after school Wednesday or Friday. You decide.”
Collaborate - Persistent kids see unilateral, top-down decisions from parents (“You’re going to do your homework everyday right after school before playing!”) as an invitation for a battle. Instead of dictating to them, involve them in the decision-making so that they feel a sense of control and competence: “Looks like you have math and piano this week. Let’s talk about a plan for when you want to tackle those responsibilities.”
Make routines and expectations ridiculously clear - To a persistent kid, ambiguity is like a summons to negotiate: “Ooh I see a crack in this plan. I’m going to continue arguing until I get what I want.” Take away the crack. (Ideally after a collaborative plan) you want to hold your boundary: “We decided that we have dessert on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. It’s Tuesday. I won’t argue with you about this.” “We don’t have impromptu play dates during the week. I can tell you are upset. My answer will not change. I love you.” Notice that you can simultaneously hold a firm boundary while being empathetic and validating.
Please let me know if you have a chance to try one or more of these strategies with your persistent child. I love your feedback and input!
Next month we’ll cover… intensity!
Sending patience your way,
Morgan